Ever carelessly and flippantly said something so ignorant and crass and hurtful that the embarassment of it makes you ache inside and feel like praying to the porcelain gods for days, weeks even? I did. Only a few times in my life that I am aware of--but boy, aren't those profound moments to dwell in...
What good is an apology when you can't retract what you've said? Who benefits more from the apology; she who committed the offence, or he who has been wronged? Is apologizing and asking for forgiveness fair or kind? Is it nice or right to request the forgiveness of someone who by all rights should not be put on the spot to grant it? Isn't it almost adding injury to insult?
I think I'm decaying morally. I used to be kinder, gentler, less jaded and selfish. I used to have more of an open mind. I used to be more sensitive and empathic. What has happened to me?! How do I stop it?! Sometime in the last few years I've gotten lazy and sloppy in my interactions with other human beings. All of the world seems to have crashed down around me one too many times, and the final time I simply retreated and found a hole in which to hide myself away. Inside that hole exists only my own world, and my own self is all that seems to be able to matter; perhaps there's only room for me there. It isn't good, and it isn't who I am. But it is how I've behaved more and more frequently of late. I've watched the very process in other people, and found it saddening and to be avoided at all cost. Yet moments like these make me wonder if I'll pull through, or go down the drain with the rest of 'em.
Five years ago I could not count on my fingers and toes how many times people said things like, "You are just young and soft-hearted, you'll harden with age." And I always adamantly and vocally declared them mistaken. I love the song by Jewel, "I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way." And I sought to emulate the sentiment. I've apparently failed miserably. Oh so very miserably.
Back in my freshman year of college I wrote a paper about Chernobyl. It was long and grueling, and not a topic I chose. It was difficult and heavy and I worked hard just to complete it. Looking back, it was no where near my best effort--but having been submersed in a topic I had little interest in for over a month--it felt like I'd done nothing but work on it 24/7. I was accustomed to getting A's, with little effort. So when I received my paper back marked with a giant red C-, I was outraged and felt I'd been wronged. Out in the courtyard, we stood around complaining, and I said, "I hate this idiot monkey professor! What a jerk! He has no buisness teaching English 101!" Someone tapped me on my shoulder and then introduced herself as the monkey's wife. How horrifying. How mortifyingly embarassing. Once spoken the damage had been done--in an irreversible way. I had the benefit of being much younger then, and perhaps inexperience forgives some of it. (For the record, he was a 65 year old white man who really had long surpassed his interest in teaching, and was later moved to teach only 400+ level English courses. Not that it makes much difference.)
More recently, though, I cracked a mean series of ignorant comments to someone I respected very much, about a religion I know very little of. How stupid and crass can I be? Needless to say, the ignorant sentiment I expressed was certainly not a shared view. How does one make a valid apology for such a careless and thoughtless way of behaving. Why did I say those small-minded things, which meant so little to me and which I know so little about. How could he forgive me, when I can't even forgive myself? And why should he?! And how dare I ask him to!
It goes against everything I believe in to stereo-type and poke fun at things I don't understand. The main quality I've tried to impress upon my son in my raising of him has been tolerance. Why then--did I find myself being so very intolerant and mean spirited? What in creation has happened to me?! I know better than to insult religious beliefs. For crying out loud. What got into me? WHO AM I?!
Going to berrate myself a bit as I continue to ponder how to stop this from growing inside. I don't want to be like that. I hope I've learned this lesson, and that some good may come of it. That I may find my way back to being a decent human being.
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