...but i haven't had a cigarette in over a month. Nearly a month and a half, really... so there's always that. When nothing else really seems to be working, small successes wherever you can find them, right?... i so totally hate the holidays. always have. Not just because of the pull of two or three families all wanting my time over the same three day period, and there never being a way to choose without someone feeling shunned (each of course resides as far from the next as possible, from one side of the state all the way to the other...) but also because for months I'll put things off till "after the holidays," and then now here we are, and suddenly it becomes -- "after the holidays" -- and all those things are still waiting to be taken care of, except that now instead of being just this one thing here, and that other thing there, it's grown to be a monsterous pile of a gajillion and one things, all needing to be done, and tiny little me wondering how it's all become...so hard.
...and...he says that he loves me...they all say he's a looser, cus he doesn't have a job and cus he lives with his mom and cus he didn't finish college...I say it shouldn't be about money or pieces of papers that "prove" what you know, and that he makes me feel amazingly wonderful, just not nearly often enough to keep me close to a level approaching satisfied. I'm uncharacteristically jealous lately, I'm sure because I crave so much more affection and attention and time from him than I get, when I see even little tidbits of it going elsewhere, all i see it as is that much more that I have to ache about because it is not affection coming to me. I told him that, and he says he understands, told me not to worry so much... I told him that's like yelling to a drowning man, "Just swim to shore!" I told him I wish I had a boyfriend that would be supportive in a way more than linguistically from afar.
...one weekend every two months simply isn't enough to keep me sated...I don't think it's unreasonable to wish my boyfriend (of the last three years) wanted to live with me, and would choose to earn enough money to at least split rent and bills with me...I told him I wished he wanted to live with me more than his mother, even if he would have to get a job... He didn't care for my opinion or my uncharacteristic outspokeness on this matter. I guess having new clothes that I could wear out on a date, if I so happened to want to go on one, made me a little more cocky and a bit more confident in my decision to discuss it with him tonight. I don't know what to do, what to do... He said I don't have to know what to do right now, and that he was just thinking about the present. I told him I'm thinking about my future--and what kind of a bearing this present might have on it. He was not so pleased, no, not so pleased...
...a certain someone else asked me for a date. I didn't say yes. I said I'm involved...but i didn't say no. I flirted some, but never agreed. But it's tempting, kind of. ...so when I was at Dad's, and I told Ang...and of course she asked me what I was gonna wear... *laughs* (...have to love the best friend from high school. No two ways about it--we definately know each other well.) I looked at her with some dismay. I have fallen into a place in my life where if I couldn't go camping in it--it no longer exists in my active wardrobe... and sadly for me, camping attire is not exactly going on a date attire...so... I guess I'll have to say no simply because I've nothing to wear... /shrug. Of course she wouldn't have it--and so off we went to shop.
...I love the jacket she convinced me was perfect. The new bra is something entirely of its own. I can't get over the look on her face when she made me try on a push-up bra and then told me that, "that bra is definately making your girls work together for you as a team!" Haha, too funny! A pair of boots, and a pair of heels--although I did not let her talk me into the tall boots--a jean jacket and skirt, and several tank tops later, I had the makings of a bit more stylish me in tote, I'm told anyway. Now I'm afraid I'm a bit all dressed up with no place to go...because I didn't say yes--but then again, I didn't say no...
