The phone rang and when caller id told me it was you, my heart leapt. I was glad to hear from you, did you hear it in my hello? How many days has it been? But your voice didn't come close to matching my enthusiasm, did it? Did you call me out of some sort of obligation? You sounded like you were doing a duty, a chore. Almost as if I was somehow not who you intended to speak with. Or maybe it was more as if you had something you held back from saying? I think that's it, but I heard you saying it anyhow.

Perhaps you wanted some other me to answer in my stead... Often that's how I feel lately. That you wish I were someone I used to be, or someone you had imagined me to be, the girl you had envisioned me to be, or any other me, or any other someone else, than that which I really am inside of me. The me I am doesn't seem to be the me you want; you want the unreachable, the impossible, the swallowed and gone, the never born. For so long all I've wanted is you to simply want me.

Fanciful dreams layered on childish hopes of insubstancial cobweby maybies.

The let down in your voice when I remind you that I am just me is enough to make me ache so deeply. I cry for us, I mourn for the discarded us, the lost along the way of us. The lump in my throat burns for the breaking of us. You said to take care of myself, and so I will. Maybe not the way you would have had me do so, but in the best way I know how. Triumph, perserverance, and mostly with mind to only having this one time around through my life, and making the most of it any way that I can, any way that I have to.

So hey, you take care of yourself too, eh? I loved you the best way I knew how, if that's of any comfort, just now. I will always be tangled up in your blue, but, I see you walking away, and all I have left in me is a wave of my fingertips, while I bite back my tears (as well as my fears). We may drift apart, till we no longer overlap, but pieces of you will always live inside my heart. Perhaps we'll meet again someday on the avenue. Till then, fare well, you.

inside, my center is adrift, gently swaying through warm and sticky vertigo, and i feel as though i am about to fall, my heart fluttering

i know this place, i've been here before, challenged it, and lost.. there are old debts to be settled here, but no one keeps score, no one at all.

i am too dizzy as i catch a breath of starkly cold air, shocking me into awake

something opposite, sinking, floating, drowining? deep and shallow, hot, reminding me of catching a breath of your air, moist and warm, breathed into me and sucked back away; twilight's summit waiting for another day

my back arches, and i grip tighter, fingernails biting into the flesh of my palm, my jaw clenched tight, my eyes open but unseeing, or squeezed tightly shut: dreams dancing inside my lids?

Lifting, surging, bouncing, and every muscle tightens; is it dark, or too bright to see?   

water flows over me, roaring, i can't hear through it, i can't think through it, can't feel through it, can't breath through it, can only be one with it, as i am one with you, verbrating through me and i can think of nothing at all

i'm flying, soaring, sailing; the slightest shift declaring profound alterations in course, heart pounding, sliding, forcing the way through; cutting, slicing, tearing every ounce of me into free (or into you?)

frigid atmosphere, isolating and singular, forces dependence or competency? drives me on hard, faster, searching for the lighted path, racing the mountainside, regardless of winter's wrath

then there is you, warmly enclosing me, one with me, seeing for me, breathing for me, touching me and feeling for me, guiding me, part of me

swirls of snoflakes dance the skies with me, encompassing me, chilling me from my nose to my toes, stirring me into awake, into aware

and then you are there, fire, flame, heat, mine for a moment, i almost won this round, hazy visions of victory... were you really ever there, 

or was it just me?

So.... Had a job interview with the local newspaper this morning and got a call a few hours later to come in tomorrow for the second interview. I think they kinda like me. *smile...

Yah, so the interview went really well, honestly. He likes me, I like him, we'll work well together. The position is a brand new one to the paper, it's reception/customer service/billing. No direct sales or any of that. Hehe. Retention though, as is true with any customer service position. I used my experience working with seniors as one of my strengths, cuz, duh--everyone knows old people love getting the newspaper and are a big part of the paper's subscribers...

After the interview, he said, "Well, I have one more interview scheduled this afternoon, but I already like you better than I'm going to like her. I'll talk to Jeff this afternoon and be in touch with you about when we can get a second interview set up with him and for you to do the test, but don't be worried about the test at all, we can work around however that goes, really." haha. Anyway, pay is ummmm really bad. Stinks.... But, there are bonuses and he also pointed out that he started at the paper two years ago on the print presses. Things move quickly if you want them to, and inter - departmental promotions happen for pretty much whoever wants them and goes after them.

Soooo.... ummmm.... I picked my tattoo, met with the artist, put a deposit down and set the date today. *huge grin* I'm nervous and excited about it. Called Ang to update her and doh!... She's not going to make it over after all. *pout* (She's got a serious reason--so she's totally off the hook.) But... I don't want to go alone... Damnit! And, I totally know someone else should drive me home. Besides, what the hell am I going to talk to Cody about for three and a half hours? Arg! This just won't do....

On a side note... Called dad to remind him my birthday was coming up and to see if he wanted to get me a tattoo for my birthday present. *giggle* He called tattoo's tramp stamps and clearly disapproved of my plan, let alone, "No," he did not want to pay for it. I told him I'd keep bugging him until he said yes and finally he agreed to contribute $50.00. My dad is the greatest ever! (He knows it, too!)

Also... Kinda' exciting... The poster sized print of a photo (that I took for a friend of mine as a gift) came in the mail today and I am SUPER delighted at how well it turned out! I want to run right out and get the frame, but it's dark and icy and I might as well just wait till it's safer.

Anyway...Another good day. Oh, I love this year already!

It's only one pm and already....

I didn't sleep at all last night. Forced myself to lie quietly, not reading or anything, with all the lights off from 4am till 6am, but sleep was entirely denied me this night. Was restless, couldn't get comfortable, tossed, turned, and generally was frustrated that I wasn't sleeping yet. I have insomia issues, they come and go... So it was bad news when just as the alarm went off I had finally fallen into a 15 minute dozy haze, and now it was time to be up and on the move. I had stood in the doorway and watched the snow coming gently, but steadily down in the wee hours, so I knew I should wear my boots instead of my slippers for the 20 minute run to the bus stop, but when I put my foot in my boot, my sock got all scrunched up and the zipper got stuck, so I said forget it, stuck my foot back in my slipper, glanced at the nearly dead battery on my cell phone, and the full one on Trev's, noticed the time, decided to leave mine charging, and we ourselves charged out the door. It was way slick out! We leave before it's light, so it was fresh powder on top of ice; and it was 16 degrees. The good news is, we made it safely. The bad news is, I saw I was running low on gas on the way home, and so I decided since I was already out and about, to go back past the house to the gas station, 15 minutes the other direction. Except I didn't quite make it... So now I'm on the side of the road at the top of a giant curvy icy hill, with no cell, and no gas...in my slippers. Great.

But you know what? The very next person that came around the corner pulled right over, offered me her cell, and Mom answered on the first ring, and was heading out to do some errands anyway, said she'd leave right away with the gas can in tote. It was cute, the little boy in the back of the woman's car said, "Mommy, why did you give that lady your phone?" She said, "Because honey, her car is stuck and she needs to call her mom for help!" I said, "Because your Mommy is incredibly kinda hearted, thoughful and nice!" She made a comment about Mom's being fantastic as she pulled away. Three more folks actually pulled over to ask me if I needed a hand, and at least 2/3 slowed down enough to see me smile, wave them on, and thank them, as I hollered I had help on the way. It was really nice. I mean, if running out of gas is ever "nice." So Mom came with the gas can, and I got going, straight to the gas station for a fill-up; I even checked and added 710... Then I saw that damn tire that has been leaking slowly for a month or two now, and it needed air again. So, I fed it as well, I mean, might as well go for the full deal, eh... Still....in my (now very cold and soaking wet) slippers.

I've mentioned before, I live by a Military Area, which is locally known as just the Training Facility, where they play war in my otherwise peaceful desert mountains. Anyway, the gas station had an awful lot of men (boys?!) in fatigues at 8:30 am, getting coffee, getting pastries, getting muffins, getting gas... So when I paid for my coffee I bought 3 muffins and told the girl to give the next three guys that came in in their fatigues a muffin. I was glad I did too, because as I got back into my truck a pretty hunky guy in fatigues was getting out of his, and he gave me the half smile-wink-nod, you know the kind! Anyway, that was worth three muffins right there! *smile* Flattery will get you everywhere! Kk, so I pull out of the gas station, and low and behold there is a truck stuck at the top of the off-ramp exit and a comely 50ish gentleman a bit frazzled with the hood open and scratching his partially curly haired/partially bald head. So I called out if he needed and hand, and yes, yes he did. He thought perhaps his battery was bad, but he had an extra along, and had just done his alternator, so he really thought maybe he just needed a jump. But... He couldn't really get his weenie little emergency jumpers to hold on, nervous sort of fellow, so I re-did them, and they stuck ok, but I had burly ones in my truck if they hadn't, anyway. We got him going with the spare battery the second time around, and... I'm *still* in my cold, wet slippers.

My pretty little just-manicured toesies are now solid chunks of ice. Memories of frostbite and loosing toenails flood over me, and I feel myself turning blue, so I quickly get him his cables settled, and hop back into my truck. As I'm trying to jam the heater on full blast on my cold wet feet, he's actually trying to offer me money! I laughed and told him to just have a better rest of his day! He said, "Well, I'll pay it back one day, then!" and smiled at me oddly, as if he were uncertain on how to end this transaction. I smiled, waved, and agreed he should, "Pay it forward!" as I pulled away. For running out of gas, it wasn't such a bad start to a day...or continuation of yester's day, if one wanted to look at it that way.

In fact, I noted in with high spirits, the sun was lighting fresh snow aglow, sparkling beams of light off every flake in the canyon, glittery flecks of dazzling light everywhere! I just adore things that sparkle!!! It was just too beautiful! And it was going to be one of those crystal blue sky days that I love so much here. Now my spirits are soaring. I trucked on home, got my feet warmed up, dressed more appropriately, and headed back out to do some hiking and photography. Oh yah *happy dance* It went well!

It was just my day... I just was where I was supposed to be every moment of the trip. Small but obvious signs popped over and over that told me today I was just on the path in the exact right spot that I am supposed to be in. The big horned sheep (gaots?) were out--I see them a few times a year--and here today this very morning, while Ihappen to be wandering around with my camera, they deigned to cross the road from the river and climb up the hillside for me to capture in digital delight, information age style. "Oh, these horns?" I could almost hear the alpha male asking me as he turned his head this way and that. "Oh you like those do you?" He'd have had a deep and distingushed all-knowing voice, had he really spoken. Something out of the lion king. Before I knew it I had scaled the mountain side in my regular boots (not my hiking boots--that would have been too perfect for my life) and they crested the cap so that I could no longer see them. Woah, as I turned around I put the strap for my camera back around my neck... I hadn't paid attention going up, so enthralled with my persuit, that it was a bit of a shock when I noticed how steep and icy it was going back down!

So later on, I'm driving along, and I find a kinda' sketchy spot to pull over, to try for a shot of the train tracks as they snake along right next to the river. God couldn't have announced his presence any clearer than he did by sending that picture perfect locomotive around those seldom used tracks to enter my shot at precisely that moment. Mostly agnostic, perhaps, but I don't burn bridges, and I rarely say never.

So yah, so far, it's been a good day, didn't have to get out my A-k....

Am off to upload the photos... Hot damn, it was about time for the pendulum to start swinging the pleasant way! I was really ready for a good day.

                     stargazes at Winter in the Canyon