So I got around to checking my horoscope for the year. I was really pretty in tune with the first part, the general part, it felt pretty right on, nothing suprising...but then my heart totally did the...fluttered with anticipation flipity-flop thing...once I clicked on the Love and Relationships in 2008 link. I know, it seems dumb, right? Only I swear it's not! This shit seriously comes true! /wink!

---

2008 Astrology General Forecast For Aquarius

OVERVIEW: You enjoy having a large audience to express your passion for the arts and philanthropic activities and taking your visionary attitudes to the world to support your personal integrity. You feel very blessed by the wonderful connections you are making to express your concepts. You will find you can relate well to others and enjoy spreading your wings more to be with others in the community. Your attitude of enjoying life to its fullest carries over and makes you popular in your professional life.

The kindness you have been able to give to others will come back to you tenfold. People will appreciate your consideration and friendliness. With your need to concentrate and be independent, you prefer working in your own business and behind the scenes rather than with other people. You thrive on wanting to be different, and you will have lots of new resources to help you for achieve a greater good in life. You'll have lots of energy and won't overlook all the details you seem to need to take care of. You will definitely be working hard to manifest your greater visions in life. You have such an amazing flair for an unusual and unique sense of design.

Expressing your individual creative inspiration will be a strong motivation to you to make changes in your physical environment this year. You may even want to redecorate your house or start over from scratch. Mysticism and the arts are very attractive and you benefit from paying attention to your inner voice, and learning to follow its guidance, rather than depending on the changing reflections of those around you. You are fascinated by the unknowable mysteries of your own inner world and might want to express the inspiration you are tuning into through music and writing.

---

Then I clicked on the LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS link and this...is what i read... and I totally know you are going to think i somehow rigged it to say that, but here's the source, proving my innocence! Muahhaaaa!          Aquarius Love & Relationships Forecast

This is too good!

---

Aquarius 2008 LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

You enjoy spending time searching the depths of your awareness of where you stand on certain issues. This yields positive results in terms of effectively communicating in partnership. You appreciate a person that is not hung up on mundane reality. You feel a strong connection between one's inner awareness and the deep and nebulous realms of magical inner worlds. The closeness in your personal relationship will be very comfortable this year as you are able to give of yourself in a more intimate way and be able to get through some of the fears you may have had about being in a love relationship.

You are feeling very passionate and are very energized by having such a wonderful relationship. You notice your urges for personal security and surprise yourself with how spontaneous you are in communicating your love to another. You will be able to bring your relationship to a higher level this year, and by this summer, you will seek more of a commitment. It's very helpful to maintain your idealistic picture of how you want your relationship to manifest. You will be amazed at the sense of healing in your relationship the year, and how much you are able to help others by your example of overcoming any fears from the past.

---

I had a pamper myself girly day today. It was simply delightful! I got out my new loofah foot scubbie and gave myself a heck of a pedicure. Then I did mom's super-delux-moisturize-the-dryest-of-dry-skin-foot-and-ankle-therapuetic-hot-herbal-infused-oils-wrap-remedy (I know...right, don't ask! It works!) and then I polished my toenails bright pink and it makes me happy to see mah footsies so soft and well manicured--smack in the middle of winter! I shaved my legs too, and I hardly ever shave in the winter.

I drank cup after cup of tea, really good Davidson varieties I was gifted for Christmas...Cherries Jubilee and French Vanilla Spiced Cream and Carmel Peach...and it just felt good for my soul! I filed and painted my fingernails a nearly clear natural color...if you were wondering. (I don't do brightly colored fingers, though of course they're fine for others.) I read some of my book; I'm reading the second of the Liveship Traders trilogy by Robin Hobb, and sooooooo recommend it for any fantasy fan--except start with the beginning, because the first trilogy begins with The Assassin's Apprentice, and it is an amazingly intricate, well planned and masterfully woven trilogy of trilogies! Incerdible stories!

I chatted on the phone with my girlfriend for a couple of hours. I had been rather neglecting my important friendships lately, and having spent some shopping time with Ang, I knew Nanc would appreciate it if I made some effort. Especially after the great blow-off over Christmas... Anyway, water under the bridge, I hope! Then I dyed my hair to cover the grey (it didn't really work so well even though the box said it would!) and curled it with the new iron I got for Christmas. I wore my long johns and my fuzzy bunny slippers all day long.

I made New Year's Compromises this year instead of resolutions. Maybe they will be easier for myself to enforce?...

I did well with my New Years Compromise Number Two: to quit eating everything in sight. And I applied for a job as a photographer's assistant. I played some of my video game for a bit, and I read up on my favorite bulletin boards. Then I worked on my New Years Compromise Number One: quit dating loosers. I think that went well.

So yah, 2008, not a minute too soon, and not a second too late!!!

---

 

PS. Oh yah, my friend was wearing this tee-shirt on New Years Eve... (It's even funnier if you know that she always gets accused of cheating on her rolls, never gets caught at it, swears innocence, but we all know she does it...)

What about Ferocious, Sir? In text at least? He asked, "What did I do? Why me?" and it was like a floodgate opened and a million reasons started swimming their way to the surface of her mind. She had wondered on these things many times since their ... parting ways... So now he was requiring more of her than he ever did before, and yet it made her want to try harder than she ever had before. He was her angel, a ferocious dark angel (of course!) ...but an angel all the same. The core of her reasons? Because he had done so much to help those that were sick and in pain. He had comforted the ill, the unwanted, tended the dying and steadied and nutured the directionless. He had made her His at a time when she desperately needed to belong to someone. It was luck as much as her sense of adventure and intuition that led Him into her life, and it had been a mistake to walk away from what he had offered her. She knew it now. It took a lot of living in between, but she definitely knew it now.

Why You, Sir? Because you are compassionate. Because You have a glint in Your eye that makes me believe You really are kinder than you pretend; and a hint of something sad that makes me want only to comfort You. Because You are firm while still being warm. You never turned cold on me, and because of it, I feel safe telling You the truths of me. Even when You were rough with me, You weren't cold or degrading, and those things are what I've always feared the most; being ignored, treated with distance, disdain or disregard--oh it is the worst kind of punishment there is, the kind that makes me doubt true intent... You never grew angry with me, upset, yes, but never angry, and you were calm and patiently assertive and tried to fix me before i sabotaged the bonds between us. You held me close and firmly, and forced the truths and fears out from me one at a time, keeping their poison from spreading out and becoming a vicious infection inside me. You said all the right words and did all the right things. I just couldn't believe you wanted me... And I guess I wasn't ready to face up to fear or fantasy...

Well, I've spent some time living in the real world, as an independent grown-up must, and go figure, perhaps i did do some growing up myself. And maybe the reason I cried when you said you would have to think about it, was more because i had become so sure in my memories of Us that You had indeed wanted me, that You always had wanted me, even when i couldn't see it, or why, and i had come to believe that it was a truth. I thought back about the expressions you used, the terms of endearment we shared, and I realized that although at the time i completely thought You were just playing with me; i've grown to think i was mistaken in my interpretation of playing... Yes, You were playing with me, but that meant something completely different to You than I understood it to mean. I didn't understand Your code of conduct, i was used to little boys and You carried Yourself so much differently that i didn't really even have time to process it at all. You were the difference for me of jumping straight from dating boy to dating Dominant Man, hear me roar. It's a bridge that takes some courage to jump accross!

I read this earlier today and am reminded of it.

As you go the way of life you will see a great chasm. Jump. It is not as wide as you think. - Native American Proverb 

She had a pre-conceived notion of how You would treat her, and so she self-fulfilling prophesied her fears right into existence. And then she had the gall to blame You for it--and say to herself, "See, you are right. You are easily replacable, and no one will truly value you or be faithful to you. Someone better will always come along, you will be replaced. You can never feel safe and secure because you aren't." Except, she was wrong, wasn't she? She has this idea that she was a lot more secure than she thought in your world, in your heart. Didn’t you miss her at all? Didn’t you know the two of you were not through with each other? 

It was in the way you looked at me, the way you shook your head at me, the way your eyes glistened and crinkled and the sadness i saw briefly flutter through. That ache haunts me, makes my sides ache to this day. It was the way you teared during, "If I Could Save Time in a Bottle," because you knew. It was the way your eyes were so sad, so very sad. Every fiber inside me screamed, though I wouldn't listen.

I knew then, that although i was wrong, it was broken too much to repair. But i also knew... i knew our paths weren't finished with each other. You knew then, didn't you? That we would come to meet again? I thought you knew. I've always had this idea in the back of my head that you held onto one of my ethereal strings, and checked for me sometimes, and that in your own way, you waited for me, too. Perhaps I am a silly girl. Does it matter? Perhaps I am an angel and the ethereal thread was really me, checking in on you.

I suppose i've construed a stark story into a bit of a fairy tale, but isn't it? Why can't it be? It's my story, right? Except the pieces that are Yours, but even that are woven into my fabric that for me it makes no difference. So why not let it be a fairy tale? Because i can't stop it from happening now any more than i can stop myself from being wet when you tell me to be.

I think about how childishly i behaved when last you were taking such good care of me within the framework of our bargain, and i don't blame you a bit for changing the stakes. Ok, so i can suffer it, and will. I sort of owe it to you, even if i otherwise didn't want to submit it to you. And the moment i even think that, i think it would be better to sit naked at your feet than not to sit at your feet at all, and suddenly the desire to sit naked at your feet is overwhelming, and makes me more than just a little wet. You melt my resolve, my will, it isn't even difficult to do what you ask of me because it doesn't take much time for me to reason that i want whatever you want of me and that it will be in my best interests to be a quick learner, and just get to it, and with a lot less of the smart assed masochist remarks you used to tolerate from me. The SEF force has grown stronger in you, Sir! And i do fear it, yes, i do! I hear you telling me to behave! So behave I shall. If i can.

"I can't promise to try, but I promise to try to try!"

hehe...just kidding!

Wanna’ help me pick a tattoo? I am thinking I may get one the weekend of the 19th. If i can permanently decide on something and stick with it I am. I was gonna last year too, but the guy was too sick and tired of butterflies, apparently his last three clients had gotten them--which discouraged me anyway) so he got all bent out of shape and refused to do mine and went home early. Seriously! You know, Im glad. I’d rather have someone who felt that way about it NOT do it. Hehe. I still think i want two butterflies on my lower back, with flower vines going out from them towards my hips. Or maybe just one butterfly. But damn, now that's kinda' a bad weekend. Hurm. I kinda don't want to be all wounded right before...my birthday?...damnit. That reminds me, the weekend of the 19th i have plans. Some friends and I are all renting a cabin on Snoqualmie pass to go skiing and soak in a hut tub and celebrate me and my bestfriend's birthday, hence the post hot-tub birthday weekend tattoo... I guess I could put it off. I’ve been promising her forever I would do it, and she was with me when the guy refused last year on our birthday’s so… it seems a good time, but maybe not.

Life always throws turns at you when you least expect it. Like me. I’ve whirled in at extremely appropriate times, no? *solid grin* I really do think I’m your angel, you know. My very purpose to comfort you in your times of need, and to provide you whatever release you desire from your stress, from your pain, from your weariness. I think I’m to be your reprieve, your haven, your release. Just Yours period. And if I must be unclothed, and if you would have your angel address you as Sir, of course then, she will, Sir, of course!

Here's my new favorite quote:

"Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can go back and make a brand-new ending."

...but i haven't had a cigarette in over a month. Nearly a month and a half, really... so there's always that. When nothing else really seems to be working, small successes wherever you can find them, right?... i so totally hate the holidays. always have. Not just because of the pull of two or three families all wanting my time over the same three day period, and there never being a way to choose without someone feeling shunned (each of course resides as far from the next as possible, from one side of the state all the way to the other...) but also because for months I'll put things off till "after the holidays," and then now here we are, and suddenly it becomes -- "after the holidays" -- and all those things are still waiting to be taken care of, except that now instead of being just this one thing here, and that other thing there, it's grown to be a monsterous pile of a gajillion and one things, all needing to be done, and tiny little me wondering how it's all become...so hard.

...and...he says that he loves me...they all say he's a looser, cus he doesn't have a job and cus he lives with his mom and cus he didn't finish college...I say it shouldn't be about money or pieces of papers that "prove" what you know, and that he makes me feel amazingly wonderful, just not nearly often enough to keep me close to a level approaching satisfied. I'm uncharacteristically jealous lately, I'm sure because I crave so much more affection and attention and time from him than I get, when I see even little tidbits of it going elsewhere, all i see it as is that much more that I have to ache about because it is not affection coming to me. I told him that, and he says he understands, told me not to worry so much... I told him that's like yelling to a drowning man, "Just swim to shore!" I told him I wish I had a boyfriend that would be supportive in a way more than linguistically from afar.

...one weekend every two months simply isn't enough to keep me sated...I don't think it's unreasonable to wish my boyfriend (of the last three years) wanted to live with me, and would choose to earn enough money to at least split rent and bills with me...I told him I wished he wanted to live with me more than his mother, even if he would have to get a job... He didn't care for my opinion or my uncharacteristic outspokeness on this matter. I guess having new clothes that I could wear out on a date, if I so happened to want to go on one, made me a little more cocky and a bit more confident in my decision to discuss it with him tonight. I don't know what to do, what to do... He said I don't have to know what to do right now, and that he was just thinking about the present. I told him I'm thinking about my future--and what kind of a bearing this present might have on it. He was not so pleased, no, not so pleased... 

...a certain someone else asked me for a date. I didn't say yes. I said I'm involved...but i didn't say no. I flirted some, but never agreed. But it's tempting, kind of. ...so when I was at Dad's, and I told Ang...and of course she asked me what I was gonna wear... *laughs* (...have to love the best friend from high school. No two ways about it--we definately know each other well.) I looked at her with some dismay. I have fallen into a place in my life where if I couldn't go camping in it--it no longer exists in my active wardrobe... and sadly for me, camping attire is not exactly going on a date attire...so... I guess I'll have to say no simply because I've nothing to wear... /shrug. Of course she wouldn't have it--and so off we went to shop. 

...I love the jacket she convinced me was perfect. The new bra is something entirely of its own. I can't get over the look on her face when she made me try on a push-up bra and then told me that, "that bra is definately making your girls work together for you as a team!" Haha, too funny! A pair of boots, and a pair of heels--although I did not let her talk me into the tall boots--a jean jacket and skirt, and several tank tops later, I had the makings of a bit more stylish me in tote, I'm told anyway. Now I'm afraid I'm a bit all dressed up with no place to go...because I didn't say yes--but then again, I didn't say no...

Ok, I don't usually do this to you guys here, but this site makes me laugh so hard I pee a little everytime I go there. So I have to inflict it on you all as well.

You can enjoy these timeless tasty weight watcher dishes from 1974 anytime! Double click the first card and use the arrows to scroll through the rest of them. I'm reccomending the "Frankfurter Spectacular!"

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html



Christmas Photos

...Spent Christmas eve over at my parent's house. Watched Scrooge, the musical version, where they all sing, "Thank you very much, thank you very much, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me," a couple of times througout. It's my favorite version, really, because of the ghost of Christmas present, and how much he likes life and wine and how exuberantly he sings about it--but we rotate which version is played each Christmas because Mom prefers the one with Henry Winkler. I like it almost as well... Any Christmas story with ghosts wins my vote! Then we watched It's a Wonderful Life, because it is my all-time favorite Christmas movie ever.

...Came home, wrapped the rest of the gifts, mostly books for Trevor which I labeled from the cats and dog, and sat down mostly to get rid of my last entry, which I'm tired of finally. =P

...Received a handmade necklace from Jaden on the 21st, and the bead on it nearly matches my eyes. It is precious and nothing could have made me happier.





Christmas here is bittersweet this year, holiday family drama, always with the drama. It doesn't really matter specifically why--but for business related reasons--my little brother is not going to be able to take any time off for Christmas, and sadly--the reason he has to work and is unable to be home for Christmas is due to a series of things one of his contracted employees has failed to complete in time for an important deadline. The contracted employee happens to be my uncle; my mom's sister's husband. This is a rough situation, and my mom's taking it especially hard. I'm just trying to smile and make holiday noises and motions happen.





...Cookies have been baked and we left trail mix out for the reindeer. We tracked santa (he was in Colorado Springs at the time) and stockings have been filled. The mood's not quite right, but we'll make the best of it. I hope it will be a happier New Year. P.S. Dear Santa, In case I forgot to actually mail that thank-you card last year, thanks for those great gifts. You're the best! You always come through for me, that's why you're my favorite!